


Cooking with Aziraphale

by involuntaryorange



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale is almost entirely wrong, Aziraphale thinks he can cook, Crack, Idiots in Love, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-07 21:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/involuntaryorange/pseuds/involuntaryorange
Summary: If there’s one thing the fandom agrees on other than Aziraphale’s sheer perfection, it’s this: don’t, under any circumstances, attempt his recipes.





	Cooking with Aziraphale

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [mostweakhamlets's Cooking Show AU](https://mostweakhamlets.tumblr.com/). Aziraphale expects all of his cooking to turn out well, so it does. But that doesn't mean that his results can be replicated.

After the Apocalapse, after the subsequent Confessions of Love and Things of That Nature, after moving to a cottage in the South Downs together, after Aziraphale complains one too many times about being “bored,” Crowley introduces him to YouTube.

Once he’s watched every single cute cat video and given them all a thumbs up, Aziraphale stumbles across the world of tutorial videos, and it sparks an idea. He has so much knowledge, after all, and wouldn’t it be selfish _not_ to share it with the world? His first few videos, about antiquarian books, only marshall a handful of views, so it’s back to the drawing board; an afternoon spent on a Netflix binge (Crowley’s invention) of The Great British Bake-Off (Aziraphale’s invention) helps bring him slightly more in tune with the zeitgeist.

Aziraphale has been cooking for millennia. He has no formal training, of course, but he’s never had a dish turn out poorly; no matter what he cooks, it always exactly meets his expectations. He sets up a camera in the cottage’s small but functional kitchen, miracles a few skylights into existence, and starts his new project.

_Cooking with Aziraphale_ is a near-overnight success. People find themselves inexplicably (or perhaps very explicably) drawn to Aziraphale; the internet is awash with people either swooning over him, wanting to be adopted by him, or wanting to wrap him up in a big, cozy blanket. Tumblr almost breaks the day that Aziraphale first drags Crowley into a video, introducing him as “my darling husband” and making him eat a forkful of lasagna. _Vulture_ names_ Cooking with Aziraphale_ “one of the only truly wholesome things on the internet,” describing Aziraphale as “the warm, delightful uncle you wish you had in place of the creepy, racist one you actually have.”

If there’s one thing the fandom agrees on other than Aziraphale’s sheer perfection, it’s this: don’t, under any circumstances, attempt his recipes.

***

Excerpt from YouTube video "Cooking with Aziraphale: Classic Lemon Cake"

In a small, cluttered kitchen, Aziraphale cheerfully feeds five whole lemons into the tube of an ancient-looking food processor. He raises his voice in order to be heard over the mangling of citrus. “For such a long time I used a mortar and pestle for this, but once I tried out this new-fangled ‘food processor,’ there was no going back!”

He stops the food processor, wrenches off the lid, and follows a deep inhale with a small shoulder shimmy.

“Now, you take your ground-up lemons and put them in a large bowl. Er, where did I put my bowl.” Aziraphale spins around several times. “Ah, there it is. Lose my own head next! Did I ever tell you about the time Crowley saved me from decapitation? We had the loveliest crepes afterwards. Anyway. You put your lemons in the bowl, and then you add a tablespoon of caster sugar — icing sugar is also acceptable — and about a pound of flour and then you give it a good mix. Oh, I forgot the butter!”

Aziraphale scurries off-screen and we hear a refrigerator door opening and closing. He reappears, stick of butter in hand.

“You’ll want a stick of softened butter. I’ve, er, left this one out on the counter to warm up.” He squints at the butter for a moment, then looks back at the camera with a smile. “I’ll just stir this in. I know, this looks extremely dry and crumbly, but you’ll be amazed by how well it comes together in the end!”

Aziraphale disappears behind the counter and, after about 15 seconds of loud clattering, pops back up again with a pan. He dumps the lumpy contents of the bowl into the pan.

“Now you just pour the batter into a cake pan and bake it for an hour at 300 degrees centigrade. I’ll check back in when it’s done!”

The screen turns black and the words “one hour later” float across the screen.

Aziraphale pulls a pan out of the oven with his bare hands and inverts it over a cake stand. A perfectly-formed cake slips out. He cuts a slice and shows us how fluffy and moist it is on the inside.

“There you have it: a delicious lemon cake! Do try it yourself. And until I see you again, be good.”

***

Selected comments on YouTube video "Cooking with Aziraphale: Classic Lemon Cake"

OMG he’s so adorable <3 <3 <3

Wait he’s just going to drop the fact that his husband saved him from decpatation and NOT CLARIFY??

I don’t like lemons, can I use limes instead?

This is not how you make a lemon cake. Whole lemons? No eggs?? Insanity

Can someone tell me where he got that tartan apron?

No Crowley this week :( :( hope he’s doing okay!

I made this and it was inedible. It was like a greasy rock. I chipped off a piece to taste and it was so sour and bitter I spit it out. My house smells like a lemon truck crashed and caught fire. I’d recommend increasing the sugar.

***

Post on the Tumblr site “Azirafails”

[photo of what appears to be a frisbee someone has taken a blowtorch to]

You guys, I tried the Classic Lemon Cake, and it nearly burnt down my flat. Definitely an Azirafail, not an Aziranail.

#cooking with aziraphale #lemon cake #fire hazard #i love you anyway aziraphale

**Author's Note:**

> I may add on to this, but since it stands on its own, I figured I'd mark it as complete. Subscribe if you want to be alerted if/when I add a chapter!


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